Category: Style Advice

The sad news reached us on Wednesday: Gerald, the beloved goldfish of the Hollis household, has died. The wake is Saturday. Dress codes are ambiguous. We are here to help.

Wear black, or at least a deep charcoal, with a restrained collar in matte velvet. No bells, no jingles and certainly no scarlet. A small bow tie in midnight is appropriate, as is a quiet expression of sorrow. Under no circumstances should you linger near the bowl. The wearer must stand at a respectful distance, fold his paws and think about the water. We offer a loan collar, ‘The Mourner,’ for 12 treats.

The off centre bow tie is the boldest move in menswear, or at least in the neck’s quiet republic. A tie shifted by one centimetre to the left signals mystery. Two centimetres signals rebellion. Three signals that you have been in a fight.

Our stylists recommend a placement of 1.5 centimetres, a happy medium between charm and chaos. Secure it with the Velvet Collar Magnetic Clasp, which has a pull of 8 newtons, then practise your most casual shrug in the mirror. The tie will not move. Your reputation, however, will travel across three postcodes by the end of the weekend.

Shopping for the cat who has everything? Begin with the one thing he does not: a collar that fits. Our Gift Guide offers options for every temperament. For the sulker, the Midnight Velvet, subdued and brooding. For the show off, the Peacock Ruff, with 32 feathers.

For the cat who refuses to wear anything, the Nothing At All, a collar so light that he will forget it is there until a stranger compliments it. At 28 treats, it is our best selling piece among the stubborn. Wrap it in tissue, place it in a box and then place yourself beside the box. The cat will do the rest.

A reader writes: ‘I have been invited to the Grand Duchess’s gala, and I own one collar, which is green and has a bell. What do I do?’ My dear, you will do the only thing a person of taste can do: panic quietly and borrow.

Our Rental Salon holds 60 evening collars available for the night at 15 treats, with a signature clause forbidding the use of sauces. Pair a black velvet band with a pearl pin and a small, cold expression. Arrive late, depart early and never be the cat who stands beside the buffet. Your green collar will wait at home, consoled by a framed photograph of a better decade.